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12:48 AM


I never thought that the more I write these blog post the more vulnerable I become and the more I open up. Pieces of me are being  revealed and being healed.........



At 12:48 AM I am a huge mess, the more I believe my life is together the more hurdles I face, but that is life you will be jumping over hurdles forever because it promotes growth and healing. I am listening Jhene Aiko new song "Triggered" and I feel every verse coming from her mouth. I  am going through a heart break that was needed, because it revealed so many unsolved emotions that I have let build up from my past. I was never a person to cry and if I did cry something tragic had to happen, but for once I am crying everyday. I am sitting in my tears, feeling the pain run through my veins into my heart from all the hurt I tried to run from which eventually caught up with me.

At 12:48 AM another night of not being able to sleep with thoughts running through my head that I feel I have no control over but my heart pouring out and if it had a voice my heart would be screaming releasing everything that has caused me pain. I have reflected back to my childhood forever grateful for the life God has blessed me with but looking back on the pain I felt when my innocence was snatched away from me and realizing that there will never be any justice that can fix what was done to me and what has led up to many events ahead. The court cannot heal me, cursing , yelling, and trying to fight the person who took my innocence away will do nothing for me, but forgiveness and healing will be my justice.

 It is 12:48 AM and all I can feel is the pain from my heart being broken in multiple ways first starting with my father who was a missing puzzle in my life which caused much pain. My father was who I craved for but as I got older I turned to craving men who would break my heart in a million ways just like my father did.

All I can do is cry at this time because these past several days I have struggled to get out of bed, I have a sadness cloud over me, not sure if I will feel down today or not.

At 12:48 AM I am thinking of who I am now and how I am happy that through my pain, my tears, and my aching heart that I remained strong. I am proud my strength.

At 12:48 AM I am filled with pain but in the mist of this pain I am happy because I know I am growing through this uncomfortable time. I know there is light to my darkness.

At 12:48 AM I have realized that I am strong and that even though there are days I don't want to get up I still do, I read, I pray, I am kind, I am still loving, and oddly I am filled with a sense of peace because I have faith that there are better days ahead. I see the growth, before I would lay in bed all day numb not knowing what to do with myself but finally I am taking charge, fighting head on, and loving myself in the most pure form even though my heart is filled with pain. I am here now crying but at the same time happy because I am simply proud and appreciating this moment. I am thanking God for times like this and realizing as each second, minute, and hour goes by there is growth.

So,  at 12:48 AM parts of me are healing.....
Location: Maryland, USA

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